Most of us do NOT want to think of death, ours or of loved ones. This is very understandable because we want to spend time enjoying life, and not waste time by being pre-occupied with death. However, this avoidance poses a problem when death in the family does occur.

The age-old adage is true; you are never really prepared to lose a loved one and when that happens, the grief is so much that you hardly know what to do. How can you gather everybody and make arrangements when you can’t even seem to function well yourself. And this is really the main benefit of dealing with funeral homes, they do all the thinking and arranging for you.

Funeral Home Services

First of all, not all funeral homes are created equal. Some offer basic funeral services, while others have a whole menu of services to choose from. However, always remember that you are not obligated to utilize all these services. You can say no to anything you don’t like and simply enlist those that you do.

Following is list of funeral home services.

Funeral pre-planning. This service is for those who do not want to burden their family with what needs to be done when they pass away. For others, it’s also a means to ensure that what they want is what occurs when they pass on. What will happen is that the funeral home will have a consultant that you can talk to. To this person, you can relay various practical matters such as if you want a funeral theme, taking care of funeral payments, and even funeral trusts and insurance products.

Note that funeral pre-planning need not only be for you; for instance, many sons and daughters nowadays engage in funeral pre-planning for their parents. This way, everybody knows what will happen.

Death records. After a loved one has passed away, certain legal documents need to be arranged before the actual burial. For instance, hospital death records and other death certificates are needed before one can proceed with a funeral and this can be taken care of by the funeral home.

Funeral services. A funeral service is a means for family members, friends, and even acquaintances to gather together to celebrate the memory of the deceased. During this time of grief, it’s difficult to plan and take care of this and it’s one of the main reasons why you should consider the services of a funeral home.

There are many tasks to accomplish when a loved one has passed away and given your understandable emotional state at this time, wouldn’t it be REAL comfort if you had someone you trust taking care of all these arrangements for you?

It’s ALWAYS painful to lose a partner in life and it is understandable that there will be times when you feel that you cannot move on… but you must. If you’re in this situation right now then do read on for tips on how you can slowly – but surely - get on with your life.

Say goodbye properly.

Most people deal with extreme sadness by either pretending it does not exist or by wallowing in it every day. Both can be detrimental to your well-being.

If you’re ignoring grief, you’re not getting rid of it. You’re just delaying it. And trust me, when that grief finds its way to you it will feel like a blow to your gut.

On the other hand, people who wallow in sadness are also damaging themselves. Again, instead of dealing with it, a person doing this is simple surrendering to the pain and misery.

So the best way to deal with losing someone is to really say goodbye the best way you know how. This can be done by spending a solemn day at the cemetery where you pour out your heart and soul. It can also be in the form of a get-together, a sort of bon voyage if you will, that will serve to commemorate the life of your loved one.

Memorialize the relationship.

There are plenty of ways you can memorialize your relationship. For instance, you can get a tattoo on your body or create a foundation in your partner’s name. If you have kids, it sometimes helps if a small room is dedicated to the belongings of your spouse so that your children can grow up still feeling his/her presence in their lives.

Day-to-day dealing with the loss.

The pain of losing a loved one does not just go away and for most of us, we need ways to deal with the loss on a daily basis until such a time when we can cope with life. Ask yourself what it is that will help you one day at a time. Here are some ideas: writing on a journal, visiting the church/cemetery, getting a pet, and so on.

LIVE.

Time does not stand still; life goes on. As each day passes, make LIVING your goal and not just existing. Think of how much your life was made better and happier by having shared it with him/her for whatever time you’ve had because the age old adage is true you know… it’s better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.

Ok, ok, I admit it. I, too, spend countless minutes hours on YouTube surfing videos. Earlier today, I was looking for a video about procrastination as part of my research on how it prevents you from achieving your life goals.

The thing with procrastination is that you HARDLY ever deliberately choose it, right? I mean, you have your To Do list right in front of you, yet somehow, someway, things just don’t get done. Well, the video below is, for me, a perfect way of illustrating how procrastination prevents you from achieving your goals.

Learn and enjoy!

I cannot thank you enough for the magnificent job your staff did for my grandmother’s home going services on Monday.

Your service was impeccable, proficient, comforting and encouraging….from the time we walked into the door on Tuesday April 13th to the actual service on April 19th. I can truly say that the staff at HKH is second to none…

I have been to quite a few funeral services over my lifetime and have not seen the level of professionalism that you all have exhibited to us. From the young man who came to get my Grandmother from the convalescent home, to the person who opened the door for us as we came to your offices, to Howard, not counting it robbery to come and sit with us and talk to us, making sure everything was in order,  to Jerry walking us through all of the pricing and funeral arrangements, to Orcella really being so kind and gentle and loving and explaining things to us, to Pastor Steve Harvin for being there as a source of comfort…with his special anointing to make you smile and even laugh in the midst of the sorrow….to Eld Burgess even as he ministered to my mother as he drove the family vehicle…to the many names that I do not know…. you all were awesome.

The way you handled the crowds, kept everyone moving with such loving care, no one was rude nor disrespectful…just amazing….and THE BEST PART….was when Pastor Steve unfolded the blanket of my Grandmother and wrapped it around my mother….what a touch of class!!! I tell you….words couldn’t even express the gratitude for that gesture! It just shows more of your personalized service that really made us feel special.

I am really impressed by the level of excellence in which you operate. Believe me when I tell you that you have made an indelible mark on the city of Waterbury and on our family at large…there were many people who came up to me personally asking for your information…I gladly gave it to them…not that I am looking to go anywhere anytime soon, but dealing with you all have opened my eyes that I need to get my business in order…so I will be coming to see you to get my funeral arrangements in motion. We don’t like to talk about that kind of stuff, but as you all have opened my eyes, it is very necessary…

I can’t thank you enough for the genuine love that we felt! You all are some blessed people, anointed and appointed to do what you do! Although the circumstances weren’t what I personally would have chosen, I am glad to have made the acquaintance of each and everyone of you that I encountered.

You all will forever be etched in my heart for turning this difficult time into a joyful experience which I will never forget.

Again, thank you,  thank you,  thank you….

If you can personally thank Howard, Jerry, and Steve for me that would be so appreciated!!!

May God Richly bless you all!
Sincerely,
Alicia A. Sweat
203-419-6490

The following is a continuation of Funeral Etiquette 101.

Don’t force a discussion. In most cases, your PRESENCE is enough to take away part of the grief loved ones left behind are feeling. As such, don’t feel that there’s a need for you to ‘cheer them up’ or to force them to talk or open up about their grief. A funeral is not a time for this. However, should any family member want to discuss then just be a good listener. Mention a thoughtful or even funny anecdote or two about the departed but let the family member lead the discussion.

Avoid conflicts. Some people feel the need to ‘clear the air’ if ever there was an issue between them and the deceased. This is of course a bad idea to do at the funeral.

Think about it. What will it accomplish? Clear your name? Settle the score? You can do that any other time. A funeral is a time for the immediate family to mourn THEIR loved one. They want to remember the deceased in a good way so don’t spoil it for them.

The funeral service. It’s important to be attentive during the funeral service. Turn off your mobile phone, pager, and others and listen intently to those offering final messages.

Where you sit depends on how close you are to the family. Close friends sit nearer the front; acquaintances more to the back.

If you went to the service with children and they are getting a bit bored, cranky and noisy, then do step out for a while.

If you’ve been asked to speak during the service, stay away from bringing up embarrassing anecdotes. These are great for birthdays and other occasions but not at a funeral. Keep your message short but meaningful.

The funeral procession. If you’re not familiar with funeral procession procedures, ask friends and stay together or ask the funeral attendant.

If you’re driving instead of walking to the final resting place, then drive at a slow and respectful distance.

The funeral reception. It’s common to gather around for a few drinks and snacks after the funeral. This will usually be held at the bereaved family’s home or at small local restaurant. However, it’s not expected that you stay long.

Remember, family members are grieving and in most cases would prefer to be left alone as soon as possible. In short, pay your respects but don’t overstay.

If, on the other hand, you actually cannot go to the funeral reception then just give a quick goodbye to any family member call, visit or send a condolence note a week or so later.

Offering further help… One way to help the family during and/or after a funeral is to offer practical support. For instance, you can offer bringing over a meal every Saturday for a month or so or even offering to babysit children for a while. It’s all up to what the bereaved family needs, how close you are to them, and what is really an open-hearted offer on your end.

No one likes funerals. It’s a sad affair. However, for those who have (fortunately) not been to one (or relatively very few) it can be uncomfortable not to know what you should be wearing, doing or saying.

If you’re in this dilemma, then please do note the following tips. Remember that your presence and manners can affect grieving family members so it pays to follow the proper decorum.

Flowers, to send or not to send? It’s still very customary to send flowers for a funeral. However, nowadays, many families opt that you just send a donation to charity in lieu of spending on flowers. For one, most funeral homes will probably already have such appropriate flower arrangements so any other extras may hardly be noticed, and quite frankly, may be a waste of money on your end.

So what do you do? If you REALLY want to send flowers, consider sending them to the family’s home instead of the funeral place.

What to wear. We’ve come a long way from wearing ‘only black’ to funerals. This does not mean to say though that you should be disrespectful by wearing extremely casual, bright, or provocative clothes that shout ‘look at me’!

You can wear white as it’s a sign of purity and cleanliness. Any other dark-toned clothes or suits are also appropriate.

The first thing to do after you arrive at a funeral is to give your condolences to grieving family members. After this, only then should you mingle with other mourners.

Approaching the casket. It is not mandatory to approach the coffin during a funeral but it is considered polite to do so and perhaps offer a short prayer, especially if you were close to the departed.

Bringing food. Instead of flowers, you can bring food. If you’re visiting the deceased family’s home, you can try bringing a dish that’s easy to heat up such as lasagna or a casserole dish. Cooking and feeding visitors offering their condolences are from the family’s mind and so you really help them by doing this.

Even at the funeral home you can do this. However, instead of meal dishes, consider bringing tea cookies or light sandwiches instead.

Up next… Funeral Etiquette 101 – Part 2

Do you, or someone you know, want to be cremated but haven’t got a clue as to what the procedure entails?

Cremation is slowly but surely gaining popularity in the US. There are many reasons for this.

1. Religious. An overall decline in the belief that our bodies should ‘return to earth’ and serve a purpose.

2. Economic. Cremation is deemed to be a lot more cost-effective than a burial. For instance, there’s no need to purchase a burial plot which are quite expensive nowadays.

3. Environmental. Actually, research shows that cremation is not better than a burial for the environment. However, there are plenty of ‘green’ or natural ways to conduct a cremation now that drastically reduces the negative effects and when done this way, it is environmentally better than a traditional burial.

What is Cremation?

Cremation is when intense heat is applied to the body, resulting in bone fragments. The whole procedure takes about 2-4 hours and the resulting fragments will weigh between 3-9 lbs.

Caskets are not mandatory during cremation. However, the body MUST be kept inside a inflexible container during the procedure. During a cremation, family members may or may not be present.

As mentioned above, a cremation may cost significantly less than a traditional burial since you don’t need to purchase burial grounds. However, costs can still be high if you opt for, say, an expensive urn to keep your loved one’s ashes in.

One of the best ways is to hire the services of a funeral home. A funeral parlor or home will most likely offer cremation services, which cover everything from getting the necessary death certificates to making arrangements with a crematorium. They may even offer a selection of runs from which you can choose.

What About the Funeral Service?

Many people think that a cremation entails forgoing the funeral service; not at all. You can have the body of your loved one cremated before or after such a service.

For example, you can rent a casket from the funeral home for a funeral service if you want it done with the body. After this, the cremation process takes place.

It’s also possible to have the cremation done first and then have a funeral service without the body. In this situation, what is commonly done is to have an enlarged photo of the deceased next to the urn containing his/her ashes.

What to Do With the Ashes

What you do with tout loved one’s ashes is up to you and/or your loved one (assuming cremation procedures have been discussed before hand). Here are some of the options available.

· Place the urn in a columbarium, which is basically row of niches in a cemetery designed to house containers of cremated ashes.

· Scatter the remains at sea or wherever your loved one wishes. (Note that a city or state permit may be required for this.)

· Keep the remains at home.

· Bury the remains in the family burial plot.

Life is short. Everybody knows this. And yet, look around you. Do you see a lot of TRULY happy people? What about you? Can you honestly say that you are living the life you want?

If not, whatever your age and wherever you are in your life right now, take a pause and re-evaluate your actions and your goals. Remember, life is short.

Steps to Living the Life You Want

Why is it that as we grow older, we tend to lose focus on what it is that will truly make us happy? I remember an episode on House M.D. where a renowned female doctor (now patient) who was spearheading cancer research simply quit and turned to what made HER happy… cooking.

How many of us have the guts to do this?

Note though that you don’t have to completely go ‘cold turkey’ on your current life (unless you REALLY don’t like what you’re doing right now). For many people, our day-to-day tasks and jobs do provide some form of happiness. But what’s to stop us from improving or enhancing our lives to be happy?

Firstly, go ahead and evaluate what will really make you happy now. Do you want to quit your job and go into, say, organic farming? Or do you want to keep you day job and do organic farming on the side? There are no limits. Figure out what makes you happy and go for it.

If finding the answer(s) to the above is not exactly flowing to you, ask yourself this question: what am I passionate about? Discover what will make you WANT to jump out of bed every morning and pursue that goal.

Try not to make too many concessions every day. You may not notice it but we tend to negotiate and compromise about everything daily. Do your best to be aware of this and stop the cycle.

You see, everyday, we are asked to act, say or do things that we may not be in agreement with. All this will eventually lie heavy on your shoulders until it becomes a burden you can’t carry anymore, making you unhappy. So sometimes it’s not even about quitting your job that will make you happy but just ignoring negative people who take advantage of you at work.

The moral lesson is simple really: life is too short to waste on things that do not contribute to your happiness. Make yourself your priority and everything will fall into place.

A lot of people still try to avoid the topic of death but more and more are actually opening up about it and go as far as making plans for their demise. Pre-planning your own funeral accomplishes many things and following is short run down of these benefits.

You ensure that YOUR wishes are carried out.

Despite your loved ones’ best intentions, there may be chance that had you still been alive, you would probably dislike the funeral arrangements made for you. By pre-planning your own funeral you ensure that YOUR wishes are carried out.

For instance, a lot of family members disagree about cremation and traditional burial arrangements. If you have the same dilemma, you may want to take matters into your own hands by dealing with a reputable funeral home already who will see to it that your wishes are carried out.

‘Practicalities’ are out of the way.

Another benefit to making death arrangements while you are still alive is that all the practicalities are pre-discussed and there’s peace of mind for both you and your loved ones. For example, what if you passed away, say, out of town? What will the arrangements be? There are also Death Benefits (social security) for your spouse or children. How much is that and how can they get it? If you have life insurance, how will your loved ones start processing a claim?

Understandably, a lot of family members try to avoid these discussions but not talking about them does not mean they do not need to be addressed when the time comes.

By arranging what needs to be done now, both you and your family will have peace of mind and know what to expect once the time comes.

You’re passing becomes smoother for grieving family members.

No one is really ever ready to lose a loved one. When you pass away, your family will in all likelihood be in shock and in deep grief. In this regard, it is a tremendous relief if someone arrives and simply takes over funeral proceedings. By having a ‘detached’ person ensure that your funeral wishes are carried out, family members can focus on just being together and commemorating your memory.

We cannot escape death. It will come one way or the other so to avoid it is moot. If you think about it this way, then you’ll realize that changing your death mindset from avoidance to taking control is the best recourse.