Most of us do NOT want to think of death, ours or of loved ones. This is very understandable because we want to spend time enjoying life, and not waste time by being pre-occupied with death. However, this avoidance poses a problem when death in the family does occur.

The age-old adage is true; you are never really prepared to lose a loved one and when that happens, the grief is so much that you hardly know what to do. How can you gather everybody and make arrangements when you can’t even seem to function well yourself. And this is really the main benefit of dealing with funeral homes, they do all the thinking and arranging for you.

Funeral Home Services

First of all, not all funeral homes are created equal. Some offer basic funeral services, while others have a whole menu of services to choose from. However, always remember that you are not obligated to utilize all these services. You can say no to anything you don’t like and simply enlist those that you do.

Following is list of funeral home services.

Funeral pre-planning. This service is for those who do not want to burden their family with what needs to be done when they pass away. For others, it’s also a means to ensure that what they want is what occurs when they pass on. What will happen is that the funeral home will have a consultant that you can talk to. To this person, you can relay various practical matters such as if you want a funeral theme, taking care of funeral payments, and even funeral trusts and insurance products.

Note that funeral pre-planning need not only be for you; for instance, many sons and daughters nowadays engage in funeral pre-planning for their parents. This way, everybody knows what will happen.

Death records. After a loved one has passed away, certain legal documents need to be arranged before the actual burial. For instance, hospital death records and other death certificates are needed before one can proceed with a funeral and this can be taken care of by the funeral home.

Funeral services. A funeral service is a means for family members, friends, and even acquaintances to gather together to celebrate the memory of the deceased. During this time of grief, it’s difficult to plan and take care of this and it’s one of the main reasons why you should consider the services of a funeral home.

There are many tasks to accomplish when a loved one has passed away and given your understandable emotional state at this time, wouldn’t it be REAL comfort if you had someone you trust taking care of all these arrangements for you?

It’s ALWAYS painful to lose a partner in life and it is understandable that there will be times when you feel that you cannot move on… but you must. If you’re in this situation right now then do read on for tips on how you can slowly – but surely - get on with your life.

Say goodbye properly.

Most people deal with extreme sadness by either pretending it does not exist or by wallowing in it every day. Both can be detrimental to your well-being.

If you’re ignoring grief, you’re not getting rid of it. You’re just delaying it. And trust me, when that grief finds its way to you it will feel like a blow to your gut.

On the other hand, people who wallow in sadness are also damaging themselves. Again, instead of dealing with it, a person doing this is simple surrendering to the pain and misery.

So the best way to deal with losing someone is to really say goodbye the best way you know how. This can be done by spending a solemn day at the cemetery where you pour out your heart and soul. It can also be in the form of a get-together, a sort of bon voyage if you will, that will serve to commemorate the life of your loved one.

Memorialize the relationship.

There are plenty of ways you can memorialize your relationship. For instance, you can get a tattoo on your body or create a foundation in your partner’s name. If you have kids, it sometimes helps if a small room is dedicated to the belongings of your spouse so that your children can grow up still feeling his/her presence in their lives.

Day-to-day dealing with the loss.

The pain of losing a loved one does not just go away and for most of us, we need ways to deal with the loss on a daily basis until such a time when we can cope with life. Ask yourself what it is that will help you one day at a time. Here are some ideas: writing on a journal, visiting the church/cemetery, getting a pet, and so on.

LIVE.

Time does not stand still; life goes on. As each day passes, make LIVING your goal and not just existing. Think of how much your life was made better and happier by having shared it with him/her for whatever time you’ve had because the age old adage is true you know… it’s better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.

The following is a continuation of Funeral Etiquette 101.

Don’t force a discussion. In most cases, your PRESENCE is enough to take away part of the grief loved ones left behind are feeling. As such, don’t feel that there’s a need for you to ‘cheer them up’ or to force them to talk or open up about their grief. A funeral is not a time for this. However, should any family member want to discuss then just be a good listener. Mention a thoughtful or even funny anecdote or two about the departed but let the family member lead the discussion.

Avoid conflicts. Some people feel the need to ‘clear the air’ if ever there was an issue between them and the deceased. This is of course a bad idea to do at the funeral.

Think about it. What will it accomplish? Clear your name? Settle the score? You can do that any other time. A funeral is a time for the immediate family to mourn THEIR loved one. They want to remember the deceased in a good way so don’t spoil it for them.

The funeral service. It’s important to be attentive during the funeral service. Turn off your mobile phone, pager, and others and listen intently to those offering final messages.

Where you sit depends on how close you are to the family. Close friends sit nearer the front; acquaintances more to the back.

If you went to the service with children and they are getting a bit bored, cranky and noisy, then do step out for a while.

If you’ve been asked to speak during the service, stay away from bringing up embarrassing anecdotes. These are great for birthdays and other occasions but not at a funeral. Keep your message short but meaningful.

The funeral procession. If you’re not familiar with funeral procession procedures, ask friends and stay together or ask the funeral attendant.

If you’re driving instead of walking to the final resting place, then drive at a slow and respectful distance.

The funeral reception. It’s common to gather around for a few drinks and snacks after the funeral. This will usually be held at the bereaved family’s home or at small local restaurant. However, it’s not expected that you stay long.

Remember, family members are grieving and in most cases would prefer to be left alone as soon as possible. In short, pay your respects but don’t overstay.

If, on the other hand, you actually cannot go to the funeral reception then just give a quick goodbye to any family member call, visit or send a condolence note a week or so later.

Offering further help… One way to help the family during and/or after a funeral is to offer practical support. For instance, you can offer bringing over a meal every Saturday for a month or so or even offering to babysit children for a while. It’s all up to what the bereaved family needs, how close you are to them, and what is really an open-hearted offer on your end.

No one likes funerals. It’s a sad affair. However, for those who have (fortunately) not been to one (or relatively very few) it can be uncomfortable not to know what you should be wearing, doing or saying.

If you’re in this dilemma, then please do note the following tips. Remember that your presence and manners can affect grieving family members so it pays to follow the proper decorum.

Flowers, to send or not to send? It’s still very customary to send flowers for a funeral. However, nowadays, many families opt that you just send a donation to charity in lieu of spending on flowers. For one, most funeral homes will probably already have such appropriate flower arrangements so any other extras may hardly be noticed, and quite frankly, may be a waste of money on your end.

So what do you do? If you REALLY want to send flowers, consider sending them to the family’s home instead of the funeral place.

What to wear. We’ve come a long way from wearing ‘only black’ to funerals. This does not mean to say though that you should be disrespectful by wearing extremely casual, bright, or provocative clothes that shout ‘look at me’!

You can wear white as it’s a sign of purity and cleanliness. Any other dark-toned clothes or suits are also appropriate.

The first thing to do after you arrive at a funeral is to give your condolences to grieving family members. After this, only then should you mingle with other mourners.

Approaching the casket. It is not mandatory to approach the coffin during a funeral but it is considered polite to do so and perhaps offer a short prayer, especially if you were close to the departed.

Bringing food. Instead of flowers, you can bring food. If you’re visiting the deceased family’s home, you can try bringing a dish that’s easy to heat up such as lasagna or a casserole dish. Cooking and feeding visitors offering their condolences are from the family’s mind and so you really help them by doing this.

Even at the funeral home you can do this. However, instead of meal dishes, consider bringing tea cookies or light sandwiches instead.

Up next… Funeral Etiquette 101 – Part 2

Change is the ability to explore new options and to try new strategies. If you keep doing the same thing over and over again, you’ll be sure to get the same result.

Personal leadership isn’t about being your own boss or never having to answer to others. It’s about making the right choices in every area of your life.

Even if you’re never in a job or a role that’s officially described as a “leadership position,” you must know how to make the right choices—how to lead yourself.

You’re leading yourself when you

1. Have a vision for your life
2. Set goals to accomplish your vision
3. Make the right choices about your friendships, the way you spend your free time, and the career you pursue
4. Take care of your health by eating right, getting enough sleep and exercise, and saying no to all the things that damage your health and destroy your relationships

Are you leading yourself in all the above areas? What changes do you need to make, and why do you need to make them? Seek advice from a pastor or someone else you trust: Asking the right persons the right questions is the first step in learning to lead yourself.

Don’t allow the fear of failure to keep you from setting goals. Successful people fail—and change—many times before they achieve an “overnight success.” When people are open to change, even failure happens at the right time.

The world will go on changing whether we like it or not. Whatever you want to call it—success, satisfaction, happiness, fulfillment, or personal development—we can’t have it if we refuse to change.

The next step

Think of a goal you’d like to accomplish if you had a guarantee that you couldn’t fail. Write it down in your journal or day planner, and leave a comment here. Take this step today and you’ll be on the way to learning how to lead yourself.

Fear of the unknown is the main reason that people resist change. Millions of people destroy their mental and physical health by worrying about things they can’t control, even when the majority of their fears never come true.

Our ability to succeed in a rapidly changing world depends on our capacity to take charge of our thought processes. Our attitude in the face of change is far more important than where we were born, who our parents are, where we went to school, or who we know.

This 3-step strategy will help you to overcome your fear of change:

1. Pay attention to your internal dialogue—all the thoughts rushing through your head. Write down every negative thought (all the things that could go wrong—all the reasons you can think of for not moving forward).
2. Now write down your worst-case scenario. What’s the worst thing that could happen if you move forward with your plan or decision? What if your worst-case scenario comes true? Would it be impossible to fix? Would it really be as bad as you think?
3. If you’re still convinced that the action or change you envision is a positive one (or if it’s something you have to do whether you want to or not), take the next step immediately. Even if your worst-case scenario comes true, it won’t be nearly as bad as you thought it would be.

Even good changes seem threatening before we take the first step. The next time you feel yourself resisting a change that your family and friends think would be good for you, ask yourself what’s holding you back. If it’s something you have to do whether you want to or not, ask yourself what you hope to gain by resisting the change.

With each step you take toward carrying out a necessary or a desired change, you’ll be in a better position to carry out the next change in your life. You’ve already proven to yourself that you can manage change successfully.

Even if your worst fears come true, they can’t stop you from accomplishing your goals if you maintain a positive attitude. If you fail today, there’s always tomorrow.

Share your story

Tell us about a time when you felt the fear and did it anyway. As a result of that experience, are you better prepared to manage change in your life today?

CT Style: Funeral Pre-Planning (Funeral Pre Need) - Howard K. Hill

Losing someone dear to you in a very sudden way takes the life out of you and it is indeed painful. One moment you were enjoying a cup of coffee and the next thing you know, that person is gone, forever. Grief, bereavement, sadness, depression, loneliness; it is very hard to put into words how it feels to lose someone. Death has always been a part of our lives but grief should not be. Grief should be a key to living life to the fullest but it seems very hard to cope with. It incapacitates you to do things, it demoralizes you, and it paralyzes you. Listed below are some of the ways to help you cope with grief, the appropriate way.

• Talk to People. Not just ordinary passersby but people who can understand how you feel. Family and friends are some of the right people to talk to. Share your feelings to these people who understand how you feel and learn from them. You can also check your funeral home for any funeral information and advisory services. It is by talking to these people that help ease the pain.

• Take Care Of Yourself. Death at one moment in your life does not simply mean the end of the world for you. It can be paralyzing at times but like after every storm there’s always sunshine that follows. Take care of yourself. Get some sleep; eat healthy, stretch out a little. Take it one step at a time. Then, you’ll see yourself gradually going back to what life was before.

• Planning Ahead. As soon as you progressively regain your normal habits and begin your new life, plan ahead of time. Anniversaries, homecoming parties, or just a simple dinner with the family in honor of the lost loved one can be a comforting experience to you and your family. If you can’t make that happen, there are some management consulting services or planning consultants you can depend on if it still too hurtful for you to indulge in such matter. But the bottom line is that in the end, you acknowledge the fact that you have accepted the loss and that you are honoring it.

• Hold Major Life Decisions. Postpone some of your major life decisions like remarrying, moving out, changing jobs, or having kids. Give yourself ample amount of time to reflect and give yourself a chance to grieve once in a while.

• Patience. Be patient. Everything has its own course. It may take a few weeks to a month, or even a year, to overcome the grief that you are experiencing. But being patient will allow you to realize that all these will come to pass and that you have acknowledge that this will just become a phase in your life that you will always remember and learn from.

• Help others. Now that you have experienced the loss and the grief, it is now time you share them to people who are also going through the same process. Share your experience and encourage them to do the same as you did. You can either check out funeral homes and directors or volunteer in a group and help them express their sorrow.

Remember, everyone will experience loss at some part of their lives. Death is just a part of life and it should never be a hindrance to living the life you want to have. Accept it, experience it, learn from it, and then, live it.

Death will always be present around us. It strikes when we least expect them to but happens the worst at times when all seems to be very well and happy. Death appears and leaves us with grief. Is death a means to stop living? The answer is no. Things should go on with life, as death is a part of life.

And when death does come, here are some things we need to do.

1. Contact your family. To have someone beside you in this time of crisis is always helpful. Telling them that a person close to you has passed away would be very difficult to express in words but someone close to you physically can help in that matter. Also, while you and your family are together experiencing this crisis, discuss about making funeral arrangements such as choosing funeral homes and directors, funeral services and crematories, and seek for funeral information and advisory services.

2. Gather important papers. Gathering the important papers will help ease the problems later on. Papers such as Birth Certificate, Marriage Certificate, Retirement Papers that include the birth date, birthplace, father’s name, mother’s name, Social Security Number, Veteran’s Discharge or Claim Number, Education, and Marital Status. Any choice, living will or purchased burial insurance should also be acknowledged.

3. Locate the Will and Notify the Lawyer. This action is quite important as this would later ease the problems on handling the properties left by the passed loved one. It is better to notify the lawyer and have it dealt with as soon as possible.

4. Notify Insurance Companies. Check all insurances for death benefits and other insurances such as burial insurance and the like.

5. Choose the Right Funeral Home. In this critical time, families left behind are vulnerable and emotionally weak. It is best to choose the right funeral home that will bring comfort and ease to the grieving family.

6. Learn to Cope with Grief. Although most people know and understand that they need to grieve, the challenge arises when a grieving person undergoes the process of grief while at the same time, maintaining his or her normal life. Knowing the fact that a loved one is now in peace can help but it’s in acceptance that you need help with grieving and understanding that eases the pain. Reaching out to people, friends, or even at your funeral homes and directors can help.

7. Talk to People. Talking involves expressing thoughts that you are indeed grieving and that you are trying to go on with life. Begin to heal starting with yourself by sharing your thoughts and thanking people who have always been there when you are at your vulnerable state. Remember, death should never be a hindrance to appreciating life the way it is.

When a loved one dies, tons and tons of burdens come into play. Without counting emotional stresses, we also experience the stress that comes with the dozens of decisions that need to be made regarding the funeral. All of them should be made quickly under the stress of time. What funeral home should your loved one be sent to? Are there any funeral plans pre-arranged? How do you obtain funeral services and advisories? Are there any burial insurance to cover up some of the expenses? Needless to say, it is a load for those left behind to deal with such troubles and it is a fact that there are people out there who abuse mourners who are in a vulnerable state.

There are people who abuse others concerning the decisions in choosing the right funeral goods and services needed for the bereaving family members. Some would even raise the prices of such goods and services to cater themselves. These problems have caused such clamor to consumers that the Federal Trade Commission began to regulate the Funeral Rule. But, what is the Funeral Rule and how does it affect the family?

The Funeral Industry Practice, also known as the Funeral Rule, was entitled on September 24, 1982 and became effective on April 30, 1984. The main purpose of the Funeral Rule is to ensure that consumers get the appropriate information needed to make purchasing decisions for funeral goods and services.

According to the Funeral Rule, consumers have the right to choose the funeral goods and services chosen and that the funeral homes and directors should have a written general price list. Another rule included is that if any state or local law requires a consumer to purchase a particular item, the provider must have it written in the price list in line with a reference to the specific law. A funeral provider with funeral services and crematories should have other optional containers, more specifically, urns available for use. The funeral provider must give you a detailed statement regarding the overall cost of the funeral goods and services chosen. Finally, the Funeral Rule requires the funeral provider to provide in writing if they charge a fee for buying cash advance items. Examples of such items would be flowers, notices and other important commodities.

The loss of a loved one should not be an emotionally debilitating experience for you and your family. The Funeral Rule was made to protect consumers from abuse by funeral providers and it is your right to be protected in these times when you just can’t bear another problem. Make it a point to learn your rights and be informed.