The following is a continuation of Funeral Etiquette 101.

Don’t force a discussion. In most cases, your PRESENCE is enough to take away part of the grief loved ones left behind are feeling. As such, don’t feel that there’s a need for you to ‘cheer them up’ or to force them to talk or open up about their grief. A funeral is not a time for this. However, should any family member want to discuss then just be a good listener. Mention a thoughtful or even funny anecdote or two about the departed but let the family member lead the discussion.

Avoid conflicts. Some people feel the need to ‘clear the air’ if ever there was an issue between them and the deceased. This is of course a bad idea to do at the funeral.

Think about it. What will it accomplish? Clear your name? Settle the score? You can do that any other time. A funeral is a time for the immediate family to mourn THEIR loved one. They want to remember the deceased in a good way so don’t spoil it for them.

The funeral service. It’s important to be attentive during the funeral service. Turn off your mobile phone, pager, and others and listen intently to those offering final messages.

Where you sit depends on how close you are to the family. Close friends sit nearer the front; acquaintances more to the back.

If you went to the service with children and they are getting a bit bored, cranky and noisy, then do step out for a while.

If you’ve been asked to speak during the service, stay away from bringing up embarrassing anecdotes. These are great for birthdays and other occasions but not at a funeral. Keep your message short but meaningful.

The funeral procession. If you’re not familiar with funeral procession procedures, ask friends and stay together or ask the funeral attendant.

If you’re driving instead of walking to the final resting place, then drive at a slow and respectful distance.

The funeral reception. It’s common to gather around for a few drinks and snacks after the funeral. This will usually be held at the bereaved family’s home or at small local restaurant. However, it’s not expected that you stay long.

Remember, family members are grieving and in most cases would prefer to be left alone as soon as possible. In short, pay your respects but don’t overstay.

If, on the other hand, you actually cannot go to the funeral reception then just give a quick goodbye to any family member call, visit or send a condolence note a week or so later.

Offering further help… One way to help the family during and/or after a funeral is to offer practical support. For instance, you can offer bringing over a meal every Saturday for a month or so or even offering to babysit children for a while. It’s all up to what the bereaved family needs, how close you are to them, and what is really an open-hearted offer on your end.

No one likes funerals. It’s a sad affair. However, for those who have (fortunately) not been to one (or relatively very few) it can be uncomfortable not to know what you should be wearing, doing or saying.

If you’re in this dilemma, then please do note the following tips. Remember that your presence and manners can affect grieving family members so it pays to follow the proper decorum.

Flowers, to send or not to send? It’s still very customary to send flowers for a funeral. However, nowadays, many families opt that you just send a donation to charity in lieu of spending on flowers. For one, most funeral homes will probably already have such appropriate flower arrangements so any other extras may hardly be noticed, and quite frankly, may be a waste of money on your end.

So what do you do? If you REALLY want to send flowers, consider sending them to the family’s home instead of the funeral place.

What to wear. We’ve come a long way from wearing ‘only black’ to funerals. This does not mean to say though that you should be disrespectful by wearing extremely casual, bright, or provocative clothes that shout ‘look at me’!

You can wear white as it’s a sign of purity and cleanliness. Any other dark-toned clothes or suits are also appropriate.

The first thing to do after you arrive at a funeral is to give your condolences to grieving family members. After this, only then should you mingle with other mourners.

Approaching the casket. It is not mandatory to approach the coffin during a funeral but it is considered polite to do so and perhaps offer a short prayer, especially if you were close to the departed.

Bringing food. Instead of flowers, you can bring food. If you’re visiting the deceased family’s home, you can try bringing a dish that’s easy to heat up such as lasagna or a casserole dish. Cooking and feeding visitors offering their condolences are from the family’s mind and so you really help them by doing this.

Even at the funeral home you can do this. However, instead of meal dishes, consider bringing tea cookies or light sandwiches instead.

Up next… Funeral Etiquette 101 – Part 2